IOWA’S CAUCUS KICKS OFF TODAY
Republican Dwarves Hunting Straw Votes in a Haystack

Des Moines, Iowa January 3rd, 2012 (SHK)

The 2012 Open Season on Primaries starts today in Iowa. Republicans will watch the polls closely to see who takes the lead in this massively important landlocked Midwestern state.

Iowa became the 29th state of the Union in 1846. Its economy today is basically the same as it was back then: agriculture. Its biggest industries are soybeans and corn with Mississippi River floods every three years.

Since 1976, Iowa has picked the eventual presidential nominee only half the time. Four candidates who won the White House failed to win the caucus here – Clinton, Bush-I, Reagan and Carter.

The Iowa State Barbers Association has endorsed Mitt Romney. “A candidate’s only as good as his haircut,” said Philip T. Bateman, 69, ISBA’s executive director. “Whether it’s a poodle or a politician, grooming is everything.”

Rosie McDermott grows corn. “All the candidates have eaten my corn on the cob,” she said at Sleepy Joe’s Diner in Iowa City. “And most of ‘em are full of cornpone, I can tell you that.”

Dee See Smith is an evangelical Christian from River City. She says she can’t vote for Romney – a Mormon – so she’s undecided.

“Ron Paul’s a member of the First Church,” she said. “Rick Santorum worships at the Reformed Church. They’re both okay with me so I’ll just flip a coin. I got an old buffalo-head nickel I keep for times like this.”

Foreign policy, tax reform, jobs? “Excuse my French, but hail no,” said Nancy McIver of Grinnell. “We got no use for none of that high-falutin’ stuff out here. It’s only and all about personality. No cuss words, no talkin’ down, just speakin’ straight. Gingrich is a straight-shooter, far’s I can tell, no matter how many divorces he’s had.”

Undereducated and overeager Governor Rick Perry of Texas took a firm stand against diplomacy in foreign affairs. “I tell you whut,” he said, “Eye-ran gits the bomb, Iowa’s gone be next. Maybe the Republic of Texas too. Iowa’s a Christian nation and an enemy of Tey-hey-ran.” His poll numbers shot up when he said that.

Anne Sznot of Des Moines supports Michele Bachmann. “She mothered 23 foster children, you know,” she said. “I come from a big family myself and I always vote for family-friendly candidates, even if they don’t have a snowball’s chance in you-know-where come November.”

Ron Paul is the only libertarian in the bunch. He’s for paring down the Federal government to nothing more than national defense and highway maintenance, period. “He’s got a voice like a squirrel, so maybe he’s an anarchist too for all we know,” said Andy Scheinberg, who grows soybeans. “But hey – most farmers are anarchists. Toughest enemy we got’s the weather.”

An overwhelming majority of Iowa’s squirrels — 92% — said they would vote for Ron Paul if they had voting rights. This may account for Paul’s recent rise in the polls.

William (Big Bill) Blasingame, mayor of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, is annual host of Groundhog Day there.

“So Iowa’s got a caucus every four years,” he said. “So what? We’ve got Punxsutawney Phil every February, and the odds of him seeing his shadow are 50%, same as the odds on the winner in Iowa moving into the White House. Which would you rather do, bet on a politician or bet on a groundhog and enjoy a big Slurpee while you watch him come out of his hole?”

The write-in vote is expected to play a significant role today, especially write-in votes for Herman Cain from women who slept with him here during the campaign.

Bookmakers at Intrade give Romney 25% odds to win, Paul 22%. This is a statistical tie. Since it doesn’t really matter who wins, does it matter what the odds are?

Whatever the outcome, President Obama is taking no chances. “I have a speech coach now,” he said yesterday. “I got to learn how to talk like the 99%. Every time I open my mouth, people say I sound like the TV guy who calls Powerball every night on CBS.”
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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