GINGRICH BLITZ CONQUERS SOUTH CAROLINA
Perry Out; Santorum Devastated; Romney Changes his Religion

Charleston, SC January 22nd, 2012 (SHK)

When the National Association of Evangelical Ministers endorsed Rick Santorum last week, everybody thought the right-wing Pennsylvanian would win South Carolina hands-down.

But politics is a game of unpredictable odds, just like the game of craps.

Newt Gringrich, the winner in yesterday’s Republican primary, beat Mitt Romney 40% to 28%. He said he owed his margin of victory to Rick Perry of Texas.

“The Governor and I were running neck-and-neck,” the Speaker said. “When he bailed and told his supporters to vote for me, it worked. His 20% and my 20% combined made the difference. Otherwise, the former Massachusetts governor would have won.”

For his part, Mitt Romney said he was disappointed but not discouraged.

“I get it,” he said. “Since nobody much cares for Mormons, I have decided to become a Muslim. It’s the next religion listed alphabetically. At least I beat Rick Santorum fair and square this time.”

When Romney was seen boarding a plane for Syria, advisors said he would be in Damascus for a few days to get acquainted with his new religion.

According to a source close to the campaign, Gov. Romney will be joining a non-profit organization called Avaaz. The word means “voice” in Arabic.

“Avaaz is a global Web movement that brings people-powered politics to decision-making,” the source added. “It’s the megaphone his campaign needs. It did not help that the National Association of Agnostics and Atheists had endorsed him in South Carolina.”

Meanwhile, the LAPD said that a dismembered head and other body parts found in a rugged canyon near the famed “Hollywood” sign in Los Angeles are not the remains of Gov. Perry, but the governor could not be reached for comment.

Rick Santorum, who won 17% of the vote and finished third, said his campaign strategy had backfired. “My Super PACs sponsored ads claiming that Newt Gingrich had fathered a black child out of wedlock. It worked for Bush against McCain in 2004! Still, I have Iowa now and I’m confident that a recount may work for me here too.”

Polls say Rep. Ron Paul is now the Republican to beat in the Florida primary on January 31st. With 13% of the vote in South Carolina, he finished last, but he’s the odds-on favorite for Super Tuesday March 6th.

President Obama was upbeat about the results. “Republicans don’t know who they want,” he said while vacationing on the black sand beaches of Kahoolawe in Hawaii. “Maybe they won’t be able to decide by November, in which case the predictions that I’m just a one-term president will be wrong.”
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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