VOTE BUYOUT WINS ELECTION FOR ROMNEY
Other Republicans Fight over Scraps; Gov. Perry Vanishes

Concord, NH January 10th, 2012 (SHK)

Mitt Romney’s experience at Bain Capital proved successful once again. The outcome of the New Hampshire primary was never in doubt — he bought 40% of the votes — though ordinary voters are beginning to wonder about a Republican’s chances against an incumbent Democrat come November.

While the 1% has the most money, the 99% has the most votes.

But Ron Paul still seems to have traction. One local woman who voted for him, Paula Casey of Manchester, a Dunkin Donuts server, said “Ron Paul never lies! I worship him! I think of him every day as I care for my special-needs dog.”

Rep. Paul’s campaign here has been thronged by skateboard hobbyists, bong enthusiasts and retired doped-up hippies who like his “hands-off” approach to government.

Rick Santorum was followed by huge crowds this week, apparently the same folks who used to follow the evangelist Billy Graham. “He’s so real!” said Janet McGill, 69, a Wal-Mart cashier in Concord. “I worship him the same way he worships the Lord Jesus!”

But former Massachusetts Gov. Romney had some harsh words for his Republican opponents. “I can’t believe how they’re distorting the creative work I did at Bain Capital,” he said after learning he had won. “We created 100,000 jobs while I was chairman there!”

The Government of India today announced its support for Romney by contributing $10 million to his Super PAC, Restore our Future.

“Mr. Romney is telling the truth,” said India’s prime minister Manmohan Singh. “We are very grateful to him for creating those new jobs for us in Mumbai, Bangalore and Gujarat.”

Jon Huntsman addressed a rally at the Friends of China Cultural Outreach Society in Bedford. He spoke fluent Mandarin to all twelve people who crammed into a local Hampton Inn junior conference room.

They nodded enthusiastically when he said, “中国の民主主義は近い将来来る！” This was translated as, “Democracy will come soon to China if I am elected!” Aides to the former Utah governor interpreted it more loosely as, “China is now America’s landlord and we owe Beijing three months’ back rent.”

Campaign gambling casinos created by Texas Gov. Rick Perry have helped him raise more money but he won only 1% of the vote. “Texans like workin’ with Injuns,” he said in Concord. “Too bad we killed so many of ‘em instead of buyin’ ‘em off with casinos 150 years ago.” Gov. Perry’s Super PAC is called Makin’ Us Grate Agin’.

Ishi Yahi, chief of the Coushatta Indian nation near Fort Worth, praised the Perry campaign. “Whut Rick’s doin’ with our casinos comes from his experience as governor. The Lone Star State’s got a dog in his hunt, y’know.”

Gov. Perry vanished after the election. The Texas Rangers are looking into his disappearance.

Rick Santorum is hoping for a Tim Tebow moment in the South Carolina primary next. “Mr. Tebow and I share the same Lord and Savior,” he said. “If prayer worked for him when the Broncos beat Pittsburgh last weekend, I know it’ll work for me in the Palmetto state.”

Santorum may be on solid ground. South Carolina is the only state in the union with a crucifix in every classroom, a cross on every courtroom wall and the quatrain “In God We Trust” stamped on every Palmetto license plate.
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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