SANTORUM, PERRY CAMPAIGN FOR CHRIST
Looking for Believers, but Finding Romulans

Columbia, SC January 14th, 2012 (SHK)

Former senator Rick Santorum and Texas Gov. Rick Perry may be languishing in the polls, after their results in Iowa and New Hampshire landed in the low single-digits.

But reality seems not to bother either of them as they gear up for South Carolina’s primary election next Saturday.

“I am greatly reinforced by my faith in Jesus,” Santorum said. “He will lead me and my voters out of this wilderness called the Perils of the Palmetto Primary.”

Gov. Perry seems similarly inspired. “What matters here is who’s got the most Christians on their side. And by this or any other yardstick, Mitt Romney is losing big-time.”

Each candidate was in the state capital this weekend campaigning for Christians at rallies for the DAR, the Sons of the Confederacy and the Ku Klux Klan.

South Carolina boasts more white supremacists than the other 49 states combined (with the exception of Mississippi and Alabama on days of the week ending in “y”). The Palmetto state also has more Christian fundamentalists than the rest of the nation combined. They created the man and the myth known as Strom Thurmond.

“No way kin that heathen Romney ever win this state,” said Jedediah McBeth, 53, a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchisee here. “He’s a Mormon! Everybody knows Mormons ain’t Christian!”

“Yew got that raht,” said Nededian Branson, 62. He runs the popular Quik-Mart at a local Sunoco station. “Mormons is a diabolical race created by Satan hisself, like them Romulans. No way kin a Romulan git elected neither. This here’s a Republican state!”

Rick Santorum is making a concerted effort to double-down by working Confederate assisted-living facilities, where he reviles Medicare as an evil created by the Devil disguised as Democrats and gays. He is also holding tent revivals for crippled Christians in town.

“When Jesus shouldered his Cross, He thought only of Total Victory,” Santorum said. “Just like me!”

“Rick has a sporting chance to pull off an upset,” said the renowned evangelist Billy Graham, now 103 and retired. “But that Perry’s got momentum, too. They might finish 1-2 next Saturday, with Romney a distant ninth.”

Gov. Perry was seen going door-to-door for Jesus, encouraging depressed evangelist Christians to toss out their Prozac and Zoloft meds for him.

“Ah’m gone walk on water fer yew,” the governor said, “An’ pray!” An angel came to him last night saying, “God’s heard your prayers, but you’re really starting to piss Him off.”

Perry’s campaign oratory has two main selling points:

“One, we gone unleash a new crop of Willie Horton ads next week,” he shouted, “and attack the infidel Mormons like we gone attack that Kenyan Obama in the Big House come November.” The crowd ate it up.

“An’ two, Ah pledge to git rid of ‘José, kin yew see?’ as our national anthem.” The crowd was delirious. “An’ Ah’m gone replace it with Plastic Jesus!”

The lyrics, highly popular in this über-Christian state, were drowned out by the mob:

“Ah don’ care if it rains or freezes,
Long’s Ah got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car.”

Polls show Gov. Perry has a slight lead over Santorum, 45% to 43%, with Romney a distant third. Supporters of Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich were said to be watching reruns of Gunsmoke. The other Mormon, Jon Huntsman, is in Shanghai for the weekend and could not be reached for comment.

News of a scandal surfaced yesterday when investigators announced that the names of some 900 dead people had been fraudulently added to local voter registration rolls.

“Don’t look at us,” Gov. Romney said. “The Charleston medical examiner said the dead were not Christians, they were Cardassians. Everybody knows Cardassians can’t vote in this state, so South Carolina’s reputation for intolerance is still intact.”

The number palls when compared to the more than 10,000 names of dead people “Landslide Lyndon” Johnson added to voter lists in Jim Wells County during the primary election of 1948 when he ran successfully for the Senate, “winning” by 82 votes.

“You’d expect something like that,” Gov. Romney added. “They were Democrats.”
***
© 2011 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Tags: lampoons, satirical essays, Schlossstein