CALIFORNIA COURT REVERSES GAY MARRIAGE BAN
More States to Tighten Laws by 2020
San Francisco, CA February 12th, 2012 (SHK)

California’s 3-judge Ninth Federal district court of appeals voted 2-1 last week to overturn the state’s 2008 ban on gay marriage, assuring that the case will go to the Supremes next.

According to the National Association of State Legislatures (NASL), a majority of states already ban gay marriage and others have announced the following ordinances to protect local preferences:

New York City will install condom vending machines at every intersection, on all train platforms and at each subway turnstile. Upstate, condoms may be ordered by mail only (no Internet), subject to photo ID, appropriate gender and proper sexual preference.

Texas will reinstate its 19th-century laws banning weirdos, wackos and skanks.

Florida will create a new law specifying Hebrew as the state language.

South Carolina will mandate crucifixes on all public school classroom walls.

Mississippi will permit Protestant evangelical residents only; all others will be evicted.

Utah will become the first Mormons-only state in the nation.

North Dakota will be reserved for gays only; South Dakota strictly for straights.

President Obama said he favors local option nationwide. Gov. Romney said yesterday that “gays are already part of our heretical past.” Newt Gingrich declared war on all alternative lifestyles.

Ultra-conservative gay-bashing Catholic Senator Rick Santorum won all three Republican non-binding straw polls this week, which still gave him no delegates. The turnout was statistically insignificant: six voters drew straws in Colorado, three in Minnesota and an even-dozen in Missouri.

Rumor has it that Senator Santorum is angling for the VP slot on the Republican ticket so that no gay-bashing conservatives will be left behind.

Right-wing Supreme Court Justice John Roberts announced this morning that the full Court voted 5-4 to invalidate the 2008 Presidential election results. He appointed Dick Cheney acting President until Democrats nominate Hillary Rodham Clinton to run against Gov. Romney in November.

This action, he said, will assure a Republican takeover of the White House and both houses of Congress.

In local news, 27-year-old German Thomas Dold set a new world record of 10:28 when he raced up the Empire State Building’s 86 flights of stairs Thursday. No gay-bashing American conservatives were harmed during the race.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at http://www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Tags: lampoons, satirical essays, Schlossstein