FACEBOOK LAUNCHES EPIC IPO
First-ever Trillion-Dollar Market Valuation

New York, NY February 4th, 2012 (SHK)

Facebook announced this week that it will launch its historic IPO this coming May. The company has been valued at $30 trillion, about twice the size of America’s total GDP.

“Our initial public offering will instantly make me the richest guy in the world,” said Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg. “It will give me a net worth of $1 trillion and make me the world’s first trillionaire.”

We shouldn’t envy a rich white guy like him. That’s what Democratic President Barack Obama wants the 99% to do. Zuckerberg made his money fair and square by creating a useless application that lets groupthink people all over the world share what they’re doing 24/7, as if anyone cares. Say what you will about Facebook, notes Andy Borowitz, it has completely revolutionized the way people waste their time.

Facebook’s market valuation of $30 trillion is based on the number of clicks its 3.5 billion users make every day. Half the world’s people are now clickaholics, addicted to clicking their computer mice all day long.

The world’s leading advertisers are drooling over the prospect of targeting these trackable shoppers with a cornucopia of ads for more useless products, all because Facebook has become our greatest alchemist by turning Cookies into Gold.

As the CEO of DDB Worldwide Communications put it, “When your mouse keeps on clickin’, we keep on tickin’!” DDB, formerly known as Doyle Dane Bernbach, owns the largest global marketing network with total annual revenues of more than $500 billion.

Facebook’s IPO will make its 1,273 private shareholders instant billionaires, pushing Bill Gates and Warren Buffett back in the 99%.

When asked what he was going to do with his new wealth, Zuckerberg said, “I’m going to jump-start the American economy singlehandedly. Let Gates and Buffett fight global poverty and ineradicable disease – that’s their business. Me, I just want to be filthy rich the rest of my life!”

But Jack (The Whack) Gambino, head of the eponymous crime family in Brooklyn, has other ideas. “Why did criminals rob banks a hundred years ago?” he asked. “Because that’s where the money was. Today most of the money is in private equity firms like the Bain Group or IPOs like Facebook. And we know where they live.”

The Chinese government says Facebook can operate in China as soon as its IPO is complete. “We used to ban them,” said a spokesman who insisted on anonymity, “because they were privately held with opaque financials and no accountability. Once they open their books to public scrutiny, we have more than a billion people who want to be billionaires too so we Chinese can become the new Masters of the Universe.”

President Obama and former Gov. Mitt Romney alike are putting a full-court press on Mr. Zuckerberg to loosen his purse strings and help finance the 2012 elections by forming a new Super PAC.

“It’s totally permitted under new FEC rules,” Romney said. “If Mark agrees, Republicans will call his Super PAC the Two Faces of America’s Future.”
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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