“MONEY TALKS!” ROMNEY SAYS, WINS FLORIDA
Gingrich Down but Not Out, Says “46 States to Go.”

Tampa, FL February 1st, 2012 (SHK)

Mitt Romney bounced back with a convincing win in the Florida primary yesterday with a double-digit trouncing of Newt Gingrich.

“The primaries are all about electability,” Gov. Romney said last night. “The Republican Party appeals to a much broader segment of society than indicted ultra-conservative overweight Fascists.”

For his part, Gingrich said he was far from done. “There’s miles to go before I sleep,” he said, quoting the eminent poet Robert Frost. “And only 46 states to go!”

When asked how he was prioritizing his states he said, “Pretty much in alphabetical order: affection, anger, angst, anguish, annoyance, anxiety, apathy, arousal, awe, boldness, boredom, contempt, contentment, curiosity, depression, desire, despair, disappointment, disgust, dystopia, dread, ecstasy, embarrassment, envy, fear, frustration, gratitude, grief, guilt, hatred, hope, horror, hostility, hysteria, indifference, jealousy, loathing, loneliness, lust, misery, panic, pity, pride, rage, regret, remorse, sadness, shame, shock, sorrow, suffering, surprise, terror, wonder, worry, zeal and zest.”

When informed that his list totaled 55 states and not 46, he was unfazed. “My accountants will sort that out,” he said. “The primary season is still young. Nevada is next!”

Still, the Speaker has to be worried because his primary backer, Nevada casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, is in danger of running short on cash.

“I’ve already given Newt $10 million for his Super PAC,” the casino mogul said. “Though I’m betting big on Dustin Hoffman’s huge scam out here, it’s no sure thing. HBO could cancel that dull series in a heartbeat.”

Romney was upbeat because he continues to raise money at a furious pace. The Obama campaign has already demonstrated a deft command of social media and is now turning its attention to mobile payment technology.

The president’s re-election campaign is equipping staff, volunteers and field organizers with an app called Square so they can accept campaign donations via smart phones. It automatically collects required data for the Federal Election Commission such as name, address, city, state, zip, phone and e-mail address.

“We’re doing this too,” Romney said, “but we’re using an app called Round. It collects better data from Republican donors like ethnicity, gender, religious affiliation, income threshold, effective tax rates, level of patriotism and the donor’s conservative ranking on a scale of one to five.”
The Florida election’s actual results mirrored pre-election polls across the board. Rich white males overwhelmingly favored Romney, regardless of age. Narrow-minded racist bigots voted for Gingrich by a huge margin. Evangelicals, Creationists and Turtle Wax adherents voted convincingly for Santorum. And short, skinny, underweight minorities favored Ron Paul, who finished last again.

“The voters have spoken,” Rep. Paul said. “I think I may run for Mayor of Cleveland next.”
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(c) 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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