WITH NO PRIMARIES, WORLD’S ABSURDITIES MULTIPLY
The New York Times Features Only Sadness and Guilt Now

New York, NY February 18th, 2012 (SHK)

With the Republican primary elections in temporary hiatus, America’s leading newspapers like The New York Times have been inundating us with sad, guilt-laden stories from around the world.

Recent front-page headlines showcase our new same-sex marriage legislation in New Jersey (just vetoed by the Gov), children lost to kidnapping and ransom in Afghanistan, and still more cases of sexual abuse in LA and NY public schools.

Americans nationwide seem to have no recourse from heavy stories like these, but a new monthly offshoot of Ramparts magazine has surfaced to correct the imbalance. Ramparts’ motto is, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Here are a few stories from their current issue.

In the Middle East, Muslims are prohibited from viewing the genitals of a corpse. The same prohibition applies to undertakers. Sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick. Sales of Acme Brick Co., of Lowell, Masachusetts, have surged.

In Bahrain, male doctors may legally examine a woman’s genitals but cannot look directly at her privates during an exam. They must view the reflection in a mirror. Pittsburgh Plate Glass stock price has soared.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. The conservative government of David Cameron has pledged to overturn this local law, passed earlier by the Labor Party.

In Colombia, a woman may have sex only with her husband; her daughter may not be present with them in the same room. Sons are okay.

In Bolivia, Ramparts reports, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. This was apparently a widespread problem in La Paz new legislation was required to stop it.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one notable exception: prophylactic vending machines must be situated near liquor stores. Is Baltimore a great city, or what?

Researchers in tests funded by the Federal government have determined that banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour. Ramparts is looking into other budget deficit items like this.

In another Federal study, scientists have conclusively shown that the ant lifts 50 times its own weight, pulls 30 times its weight and always falls over on its right side when drunk. President Obama has pledged to cut research like this from the Federal budget in the final year of his second term.

In Guam, an unincorporated territory of the United States, there are men whose full-time job it is to travel the island and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex. Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

The White House says President Obama is considering legislation that will create a job like this in the U.S., which would quickly reduce the unemployment rate for overweight and under-educated urban males.

Finally, in Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally permitted to kill her adulterous husband but only with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit mistress, however, may be killed with any weapon the betrayed wife chooses. This is just one example of popular Chinese justice.

Ramparts will continue to pursue little-noticed news stories like these so Americans can be fully informed about the world’s absurdities and not be constrained by censorship at The New York Times or CNN.
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Tags: lampoons, satirical essays, Schlossstein