President of Gambia Planning Mass Executions

Republicans See New Election Campaign Strategy

Banjul, Gambia August 26th, 2012 (SHK)

Gambia’s President Yahya Jammeh said yesterday that he will “stop at nothing to execute Gambians who are plotting to overthrow my government.” The president is a former wrestler on the WWF worldwide tour and an army colonel.

At last count, approximately 1.2 million people are on the president’s mass execution list. Gambia has a total population of only 1.5 million. The line of candidates for execution is many miles long, longer even than the line of moviegoers waiting to see “Dark Knight Rises.”

North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-Un has just announced his country’s most prestigious award to President Jammeh for 2012. “Only a few world leaders can even make the short list to qualify for our highest honor,” he said in Pyongyang today.

Popularly known as the People’s Supreme Leadership Recognition Circle, it has previously been given to only three of the world’s most diabolical dictators: Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Dick Cheney. Rush Limbaugh was a runner-up in 2010.

President Jammeh justified his actions by pointing out the serious problems facing his country and all of Africa.

“Gambia is plagued by overpopulation,” he said to a overflow crowd of six people in the courtyard facing his Presidential Palace. “And disease. African people suffer from malaria, beri-beri and AIDS, all caused by the mendacious people of the greedy West. The only way to solve them is to eradicate the people, and the most effective way to do that is by executing them.”

London’s Rt. Hon (Sir) Buford Bradley (CBE, KBE, MBE, OBE, BEM), director of the United Nations Development Program (UNDP), announced a unified effort to keep Gambia’s pristine white beaches open to European tourists.

“As long as President Jammeh confines his killing grounds to the capital city,” he said, “the UN is powerless to interfere in the domestic affairs of a member nation. We ask only that no blood be shed on the sand as that would discourage Western tourists from traveling to Gambia.”

Gambia’s sole source of foreign exchange is tourism. The country was carved out of Senegal by the British during the height of its Empire, when it claimed a narrow strip of land along the Gambia River. France agreed to this dismemberment of its colony under the Treaty of Versailles in 1793, shortly before George W. Bush was elected president of the United States.

Dissent was growing among the few remaining Gambians not yet targeted for execution. They could be seen parading in the president’s courtyard wearing T-shirts with slogans like, “How about never. Does never work for you?” and “Eat it, President Jammeh. Eat it raw!”

Amnesty International said it would close its office in Banjul as soon as no Gambians were left alive. “We will simply move to the a neighboring African capital,” said Emily Whitaker, Amnesty’s spokesperson. “Africa has no end of overpopulated, disease-ridden, dysfunctional dictatorships, so this is a goldmine for us.”
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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