China’s Leader Reappears in Public

Temporary Absence Caused by Aliens

Beijing, China September 17th, 2012 (SHK)

Xi Jinping, heir apparent to Hu Jintao’s position as President of China, recently reappeared in Beijing after a two-week absence. He was reportedly seen with intravenous tubes hanging from both arms.
China watchers thought his disappearance may have been due to a heart condition that required treatment with advanced medication still pending approval by China’s National Institutes of Health.

But more thoughtful observers suspect that followers of the Jedi Master Yoda caused his absence by abducting him outside his Beijing residence and holding him hostage on a mountaintop retreat in Tibet.

“I’m fine, really,” President-pro tem Xi said near the Temple of Heaven in Beijing, just outside the Forbidden City. “Our medical facilities are, like, the best in the world.”

He used the words “really” and “like” seventeen times in his brief statement, giving China watchers the impression that American adolescents at Master Yoda’s Tibetan retreat started giving him English lessons.

He was photographed speaking to Minnie Mouse, the Solomon family of the Third Planet from the Sun, and Superman. His IV tubes were Photoshopped from the picture using the Clone Stamp tool.

The photo was accompanied by a brief caption saying that Mr. Xi would attend the plenary session of China’s Politburo next weekend, when Minnie Mouse and Superman are expected to be the keynote speakers.

Mr. Xi, whose health had been called into question, looked healthy. He was dressed in the unofficial uniform of Communist Party cadres – crimson leotards, a black wife-beater undershirt and RayBans.

He was flanked by several other similarly attired ranking officials; notably, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood and party chairman Sylvester Stallone, all known followers of Master Yoda.

His recent absence set off widespread discussion among Chinese and Western observers alike about his fate.

When he failed to meet Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton ten days ago, diplomats were told he had a bad back. But he was in a secret meeting at an undisclosed location with former President Clinton at the time, reportedly receiving advice on how to have sex with an underage intern without actually having sex.

Variations of this story circulated throughout the Chinese capital, including the rumor that Mr. Xi had slipped at a swimming pool. But it was actually his hologram that slipped; President Clinton had accompanied him to Tibet, where Master Yoda instructed them both in the delicate art of achieving Nine Lives.

Chinese leaders with close ties to the Politburo have acknowledged that Mr. Xi’s condition may be more serious than originally thought. Closer study of Mr. Xi’s photo showed that his lips had a coat of lip gloss seen only in soft-porn Hollywood movies.

Mr. Xi’s eyes were seen “twinkling” too, suggesting that he had recently consumed a rather large quantity of cannabinoids. “Bubble-melt” hashish is a popular Tibetan product served regularly at Hash Shack franchises throughout the country; it is Tibet’s leading export.

Mr. Xi is expected to become head of the Communist Party in a broad transition of power affecting all senior positions in Beijing – doggie, missionary and the ever-popular “Shanghai 69,” code for share-and-share-alike.
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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