Did Jesus Have a Wife?

Papyrus Fragment Vague but Provocative

Cambridge, MA September 20th, 2012 (SHK)

Dr. Karen King, professor of history at Harvard, shocked the secular world this week with her discovery of a papyrus fragment allegedly containing a comment from Jesus heretofore never recorded.

“My wife, she…” was the fateful fragment written in the Semitic dialect of the Coptic language and confirmed by the two living linguists who still speak this ancient language.

The fragment has given rise to a rigorous debate among theologians, however, many of whom argue that Jesus was, in fact, married. If true, this would render the Catholic church impotent because it has forever insisted on celibacy for its gay priests.

But other theologians counter that, if true, this utterance by Jesus confirms not only the role of women in the early Christian church but also the reason there are so many Protestant sects is that they were all reportedly started by sons of Jesus, a fact previously hinted at only by Martin Luther in 1518 prior to the Reformation.

“The debate is premature,” Dr. King said. ‘We are still waiting for scientists to confirm the date of this parchment fragment.” Papyrus can be accurately dated, specialists say, only by means of a sophisticated pap smear taken from the ink strokes deep within the fragment threads.

Scholars at the Ancient Language Society of Palestine (ALSOP) in Amman, Jordan, have called into question the gender of Jesus himself, suggesting that other fragments of parchment they have analyzed confirm that she may, in fact, have been a woman.

This would account for the long tradition of same-sex marriage practiced in many Christian sects, the word “sect” itself having the feminine gender in Semitic-Coptic dialect.

But other linguists at the London Institute of Ancient Religious Study (LIARS) in London offer yet another interpretation; namely, that Jesus him (or her) self may instead have said, “My life, she…” It is well known that the gender of the word “life” is feminine in all languages except English and German, where it has a transgender (or neuter) form. Evidence of this may be found in the word “Maedchen,” meaning “girl,” which sports a neuter gender and has been the butt of many German jokes.

Still other linguists suggest that the fragment may read, “My knife, she…” The word “knife” also carries the feminine gender; this interpretation could, historians say, account for the millions of people throughout history who have been persecuted and killed because of their religious beliefs.

In separate news, the city of Brussels announced today that refurbishment of 48 small statues surrounding the square known as Petit Sablons is now complete. The miniature bronze sculptures date from the mid-19th century and represent highly popular medieval guilds such as stonemasonry, alchemy, usury and prostitution.
(c) 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

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