Election Hangs on Key Voter

ELECTION HANGS ON KEY VOTER
Flash: California Announces New Currency

Washington, DC September 9th, 2012 (SHK)

The conventional wisdom about this year’s presidential election is that the critical campaign is really about six so-called swing states – Nevada, Colorado, Iowa, Michigan, Ohio and Virginia.

The rest of the country is equally divided between those that are rabidly Democratic, like California and New York, or incorrigibly Republican, like Texas. Which explains why folks in New Jersey never see the attack ads that are flooding the airwaves in those six key states.

But even more sophisticated mathematical models and supercomputer number-crunching now show that the election outcome may well hang on one solitary key voter in a single state, and attack ads are inundating his Zip code.

Harold Henderson, 59, is an unemployed mule train driver in the town of Palmyra, in west-central Virginia, not far from the Civil War battlefield of Appomattox.

“My grandparents were the most successful bootleggers this side of the Appalachians,” he said today. “So we’ve always liked them free-market Republicans. But this year, after the market crash four years ago, I’m thinkin’ mebbe that foreign-born Obama might git my vote. We need more jobs for mule drivers in these-here parts.”

Mr. Henderson went on to say “there’s a huge posse of broadcast TV vans and satellite antennas all over my farm and they don’t never leave me alone.” Small wonder: if his vote swings the 2012 election, he’ll go down in history. But if it doesn’t?

“Ya’ll got Ralph Nader’s phone number?” he asked a phalanx of reporters this morning. “Cuz mebbe I’ll toss him a bone and throw this election back to the Supremes so they can dance another jig around our states’ rights like they did for W in 2000.”

In separate news, the state of California announced it would create a new currency to deal with its budget problems. Called the Calpis, it will start trading in foreign exchange markets September 15th.

California has the highest debt burden of any state in the nation. Its cumulative deficit of $35 billion is greater than New Jersey’s current fiscal year budget alone, and suppliers say they will no longer accept IOUs from Sacramento.

“We know we can’t secede from the Union,” said California Governor Jerry Brown, 93. “But there’s nothing in the Constitution that says we can’t have our own money.”

Market specialists say the Calpis will start trading next week at a rate of CP1.33 to the dollar. Day traders expect it to weaken substantially before finding a floor. Government spokesmen say that major California exports, like cocaine and marijuana, will be much cheaper and create far more jobs across the nation than anything the Federal government has done.

This move could well benefit President Obama, who is a fan of medical marijuana. He smokes it daily, insiders say, to relieve his Republican-induced headaches.
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© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at http://www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

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