Moscow Makes It Official

World Will Not Come to an End. Republicans Disagree

Moscow, Russia December 8th, 2012 (SHK)

Widespread reports of psychotic behavior throughout Russia recently have moved Moscow to action.

When inmates in a prison near the Chinese border experienced “mass hysteria,” a priest had to be summoned to calm them. Near Moscow, Russians panicked, stripping grocery store shelves of daily necessities. Others had begun building an enormous Mayan-style arch on Karl Marx Allee in Chelyabinsk, south of the Russian capital.

All this behavior pushed Russia’s Minister of Emergency Services to issue an official declaration that the world would not be coming to an end on December 21st, despite what the Mayan calendar predicts.

All over the world, there was widespread and immediate objection to the Russian government’s decision.

Egypt’s president Mohamed Morsi, under fire for having annulled his country’s courts and assumed supreme power himself, was apoplectic.

“If you ask me,” he said in Cairo yesterday, “as a result of my recent decision, the world looks like it’s coming to an end here well before December 21st. I may have to repeal my recent decree.”

House Majority Leader John Boehner (R,OH), while not as rattled as President Morsi, did say that the situation in Washington looked bleak.

“Without concerted action on Fiscal Cliff issues,” he told a Washington press conference, “we Republicans believe the world will come to an end on January 1st.”

Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was confused and contorted.

“The world is definitely coming to an end if I have to pay taxes,” he told a gathering of Mormon elders in Salt Lake City. “I have yet to find anyone who can explain what your return on investment is when you write a check to the IRS.”
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
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