$2 BILLION LOSS BY J. P. MORGAN SHOCKS MARKETS Reformers on a Rampage – Las Vegas Casinos Overjoyed New York, NY May 15th, 2012 (SHK) After J. P. Morgan reported its historic $2 billion trading loss last Friday, financial markets have been in turmoil. The bank’s stock alone lost nearly 10% of its value – [...]
FRANCE ELECTS A SOCIALIST PRESIDENT New 30-hour Workweek Sees Stock Markets Plunge Paris, France May 8th, 2012 (SHK) The French people elected Socialist François Hollande as their new president Sunday. His wife, Ségolène Royal, lost to Nicolas Sarkozy in the last election five years ago, but she’s back on the front pages again. Once voted [...]
DEPARTURE OF CHINESE DISSIDENT DELAYED Bureaucratic Bottlenecks for Exit Permits and U.S. Visas Beijing, China May 5th, 2012 (SHK) Chen Guangcheng, presently China’s most popular dissident because he is both illiterate and blind, has hit another roadblock in his attempt to leave the country. American and Chinese negotiators worked late into the night at the [...]
SECRET SERVICE CLAMPS DOWN ON AGENT CONDUCT U. S. Government Now to Provide Inflatable Sex Dolls Washington, D. C. April 29th, 2012 (SHK) The Federal government today announced stricter enforcement of behavior by Secret Service agents when they are sent overseas to protect the president. In addition to the embarrassment in Cartagena, some agents also [...]
NEW CAMPAIGN TO LEGALIZE GLOBAL SEX Spurred by the Committee for the Legalization of American Prostitution Washington, DC April 21st, 2012 (SHK) Last week a dozen Secret Service agents were recalled from Cartagena, Colombia, as part of an internal investigation into their nocturnal activities in “tolerance zones” while on duty protecting the President. They were [...]
MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD FAILS TO SNAG WILLIAMS Outbid by America’s Rejuvenated Republican Party Washington, DC April 8th, 2012 (SHK) In late-breaking news, the Muslim Brotherhood announced in Cairo today that their bid to acquire the services of Gregg Williams has come to naught. Williams, 54, is the former defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints who [...]
SECOND-HAND CIGARETTE SMOKE EXPLODES POLITICALLY Not Covered by Obamacare, Big Problem for Democrats Washington, DC March 29th, 2011 (HK) José Rodriguez, a 27-year-old midtown-Manhattan messenger, was found to be ineligible for coverage under Obamacare, even though he is exposed to second-hand smoke for ten hours every day. “This is clearly a pre-existing condition,” said Henry [...]
THIS SPRING’S NEW SCUMBAG SITCOMS Four-letter Words Headline Network Lineups New York, NY March 26th, 2012 (SHK) America’s national TV networks have, in the words of one critic, “spawned a new generation of sitcoms that feature idiotic characters” in an attempt to reach a wider viewing audience. After Charlie Sheen’s recent off-screen drug-addled tempest, he [...]
LATINOS CAMPAIGN HOT-AND-HEAVY Crowds Shouting ABO! ‘Anybody But Obama!’ Pueblo, CO March 17, 2012 (SHK) Republicans and Democrats alike are now targeting Hispanic voters as their key to victory in the presidential campaign of 2012. Latinos are alternately ‘worried’ or ‘doubtful’ about the nation’s economic recovery, giving candidates the signals they need to campaign aggressively [...]
LINSANITY! Sports Lincredibly Trumps Politics! New York, NY March 10th, 2012 (SHK) The back-office servers at Facebook and Twitter have suffered multiple crashes since Harvard’s Chinese-American point guard Jeremy Lin has given the NBA a much-needed boost in recent weeks. The national network sitcom known as the Republican Primaries, based on the arcade game Whack-a-Mole, [...]
