New York, NY May 15th, 2012 (SHK)

After J. P. Morgan reported its historic $2 billion trading loss last Friday, financial markets have been in turmoil. The bank’s stock alone lost nearly 10% of its value – about $15 billion – the next day.

In explaining the impact of the bank’s derivative transactions that were intended to hedge its corporate bond position, Jamie Dimon, Morgan’s CEO, said “we made a terrible, egregious mistake.”

His ungrammatical double-adjective description brought to mind Sen. John McCain’s comment in 2008 after choosing former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his VP running mate on the Republican ticket.

“We made a horrible, outrageous mistake,” Sen. McCain said famously at the time. However, that decision had no impact on the world’s financial markets, unlike Morgan’s trading bet.

Gambling casinos in Las Vegas, however, were said to be ecstatic over the news. Texas Gov. Rick Perry recently authorized the state’s Teacher Retirement System to make an investment of $100 million in a leveraged buyout of Station Casinos, the largest operator of gaming halls catering to local residents.

But the teachers’ retirement money was lost in the deal. Gov. Perry received “substantial contributions” to his Republican presidential campaign from casino operators there.

“I made a hideous, ghastly mistake,” Gov. Perry said. “Not least, this ungrammatical double-adjective modifier.”

The White House today announced a renewed effort to impose stricter regulatory reforms so that proprietary trading by the nation’s largest banks will not threaten shareholder capital.

Tighter regulatory supervision was included in the Volker Rule but that is still only a proposal, not law.

Some Democrats harshly criticized repeal of the Glass-Steagall act, which enabled banks and securities trading firms to recombine. But they backed off when reminded that the act’s repeal was signed in 1999 by another Democrat, President Bill Clinton.

“Repeal of Glass-Steagall was a frightening, dreadful mistake,” said Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “As president, I would never make an appalling, grisly mistake like that.”

On the other hand, Las Vegas casinos reported a doubling of gambling bets virtually overnight.

“If American banks make the kinds of horrifying, dreadful losses that Morgan did,” said an industry spokesman, “we can still offer investors much better odds.”

Spencer Bachus (R, Alabama), chairman of the House Committee on Financial Services, is responsible for oversight. He is the longest-serving Republican from the South since Reconstruction.

“It is the American government’s responsibility to prevent shocking, repugnant mistakes like these,” he said. “Las Vegas casinos will continue to be exempt from regulatory reform, however, because of their positive impact on the U. S. economy.”
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Paris, France May 8th, 2012 (SHK)

The French people elected Socialist François Hollande as their new president Sunday. His wife, Ségolène Royal, lost to Nicolas Sarkozy in the last election five years ago, but she’s back on the front pages again.

Once voted the sexiest woman in France, Ms. Royal had to take a backseat to Carla Bruni, the pop singer and former model who is married to Mr. Sarkozy. The former president is now looking everywhere for her.

President-elect Hollande pledged to implement his economic plan immediately: a 30-hour workweek, more debt to pay for even more government benefits like free pregnancy leave, free babysitting, free grocery shopping and a free annual oil change.

President Obama said he feared the 30-hour workweek would increase American unemployment rate by more than two full percentage points, adding “I’ll consider it only if I am re-elected in November.” U.S. government employees are famous for working only 20 hours a week though they get paid for 40.

The scion of austerity, Angela Merkel, Germany’s chancellor, said it is premature to consider the French vote a game-changer for Europe.

“More elections are coming,” she said. “Europe has not seen the last of Germany yet.”

America’s Democratic National Committee expressed its support of M. Hollande by means of a mass demonstration in front of the French Embassy in Washington.

“More jobs! More handouts! More taxes! More spending!” the crowd chanted. Estimated to be over 100,000 Blacks, Hispanics, Obamacare supporters and illegal immigrants, they praised the new French president.

But the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, predicted that M. Hollande’s economic policies would soon crash and burn.

“The French Socialists are doomed,” said the former Massachusetts governor. “They have nobody who’s rich, and they all wear threadbare and tattered double-breasted faggoty tweed jackets.”

Ripple effects from the French election were seen immediately.

The recent election in Greece left Athens in chaos, with the stock market down 7%. Their center-right New Democracy party is set to take power, upsetting the Euromomentum that France was hoping far.

“Austerity is far from dead,” Chancellor Merkel said today. “Europeans deserve only what they are willing to pay for. It’s not fair for lazy Greeks and duplicitous Italians to benefit from our hard-earned German work ethic.”

Large crowds of skinheads in Berlin could be heard shouting “Heil, Merkel!” as far away as Paris.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Beijing, China May 5th, 2012 (SHK)

Chen Guangcheng, presently China’s most popular dissident because he is both illiterate and blind, has hit another roadblock in his attempt to leave the country.

American and Chinese negotiators worked late into the night at the Foreign Ministry in Beijing to secure a mutual agreement that would allow him to travel to the United States.

But despite assurances by both governments, the backlogs for exit permits from China and for visas to enter the U.S. have soared recently. Summer is the peak travel season, even for dissidents and political opponents.

What’s worse, Mr. Chen did not have the exact change when Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton asked him for $190 to cover the cost of his visa.

He objected to the fee and immediately organized a demonstration outside the American Embassy in Beijing. Handmade signs carried by protestors expressed outrage because the standard fee is only $160. At home, Republicans voiced their outrage in sympathy with the protestors.

In a hastily arranged press conference behind the sign-waving demonstrators, Secretary Clinton tried to explain the $30 difference.

“Because of Mr. Chen’s blindness, he was not able to read the fine print on his visa application,” she said. “He must be admitted to the United States as a Category-Q visitor, which is International Cultural Exchange. It is subject to the higher fee.”

Mr. Chen was escorted from the raucous demonstration by a bilingual seeing-eye dog named Fritz, who took him to a nearby Citibank ATM so he could withdraw the extra cash.

His delicate situation was imperiled shortly thereafter, however, when Herman Waring, a junior State Department knuckle-dragger, was detained by Homeland Security for trying to pay the $60 add-on fee for Mr. Chen to expedite his application.

“This is unfortunate,” Ms. Clinton said, “but everyone has to comply with our Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, especially U.S. government employees.”

Mr. Waring was remanded to a local courtroom for adjudication of his case. It was not immediately clear whether the Chinese judge was familiar with U.S. law, since the principle of extraterritoriality applies.

When Fritz brought Mr. Chen back to the Embassy so he could pay his visa fee in full, the crowd of demonstrators immediately cheered and dispersed.

Still unresolved, however, was whether Mr. Chen would opt for Standard USPS Delivery or overnight FedEx service for his visa, which would cost still more. The United States Postal Service cannot guarantee delivery to residential addresses in China.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Washington, D. C. April 29th, 2012 (SHK)

The Federal government today announced stricter enforcement of behavior by Secret Service agents when they are sent overseas to protect the president.

In addition to the embarrassment in Cartagena, some agents also paid for escort services in El Salvador during the president’s recent trip there. Then three Marines got into a car with a woman in Brasilia and after arguing over her fee, they pushed her out of the car, breaking her collarbone.

“Our agents will now be prohibited from consuming alcohol within four hours of going on duty,” said Mark Sullivan, director of the Secret Service. The former limit was two hours. “And agents will be barred from allowing any visitors into their hotel rooms except for routine hotel staff.”

Hotels all over the world immediately reported a surge in female applications for chambermaid and room service waitress by former prostitutes in popular “tolerance zones.”

But the U.S. government’s strategy has a totally new dimension: the Secret Service will provide its agents with inflatable sex dolls in addition to ammo for their Glock-9 weapons. Washington’s decision is based on historical precedent.

The 17th-century French dame de voyage and Spanish dama de viaje were direct predecessors to today’s sex dolls. Fashioned as makeshift masturbatory dolls, they were made of sewn cloth or old clothes and were used without complaint by sailors while isolated at sea during long trips.

Sex dolls are called “Dutch Wives” in Japan, a term that originated in the 16th century when Dutch traders were restricted to Deshima Island off the coast of Kyushu. Today there is a brisk business in sex doll rentals to male hotel guests in Tokyo, where they are advertised heavily in the popular love-doll magazine Aidroid.

Inflatable and gel-filled sex dolls will be offered through the General Services Administration (GSA) catalog, which lists them as “Parisian Rubber Artifacts” to avoid attracting the attention of auditors.

Secret Service agents have been beta-testing many of the new love dolls, excluding popular models like overweight, transgender, elderly, Black, Asian and alien dolls. These are strictly prohibited by Internal Affairs because they violate the Civil Rights Law of 1964 (Pub. L., 88-352, 78 Stat. 241) that bars ethnic discrimination.

A Chinese female high school student, Wang Jiyun, has become famous on the Korean internet simply because she looks like an inflatable doll. This month she ranked in the Top Ten search queries on Google in Korea.

New gel-filled dolls have made their debut in Hollywood blockbusters like Iron Man 2 and Oceans 13, which used Inflatable Crowd’s real-life dolls as well as Crash Dummies from Gizmodo for erotic crowd scenes.

“The newly revised agent protocols now list Inflatable Crowd and Gizmodo as Authorized U. S. Government Resellers,” said Secret Service Director Sullivan. “Their sex dolls also have the advantage of not being able to pilfer classified information.”
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archived at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Washington, DC April 21st, 2012 (SHK)

Last week a dozen Secret Service agents were recalled from Cartagena, Colombia, as part of an internal investigation into their nocturnal activities in “tolerance zones” while on duty protecting the President.

They were discovered to be cavorting with local prostitutes, against strict agency rules. While prostitution is legal in Cartagena, sleeping with drunk American secret service agents is not.

“We believe it’s time to legalize the world’s oldest profession,” said Henry (Hank) McWhorter, 47, who spoke on behalf of the Committee for the Legalization of American Prostitution (CLAP).

“Millions of dollars are wasted around the world every year trying to enforce outdated laws,” he said, “not to mention countless hours lost by law enforcement agencies everywhere. If prostitution was legal, more time and money would be available for socially useful activities like presidential campaigns, shoplifting and carjacking.”

In related developments, Egypt’s election commission disqualified 10 presidential hopefuls, including Hosni Mubarak’s former spy chief and a pair of fundamentalist Islamists, in a surprise decision that left only a field of moderates in the race for the country’s first post-revolutionary leader.

“These guys were cavorting with Egyptian prostitutes during the campaign,” said Khairat el Shater, 62, the Muslim Brotherhood’s own candidate. He was spared, he said, because he was at a local drugstore buying condoms when the police swept his downtown hotel.

Mr. Shater said yesterday that he favored free-market capitalism, free trade and legalized prostitution as pillars of his long-term platform toward Egypt’s “renaissance.”

Meanwhile, the first group of six United Nations cease-fire monitors due to arrive in Syria on Friday was delayed as activists described violence erupting in flashpoints like Homs and sites near the Turkish border. The reason given for their delay was that they were caught cavorting with local prostitutes in Istanbul prior to leaving for Damascus.

“You see?” Mr. McWhorter said. “This patently irresponsible behavior will simply continue indefinitely unless the world’s leading governments take steps to legalize prostitution now!”

But popular pornographic websites like www.pornhub.com and YouPorn are opposed to legalized prostitution because it would eradicate their profitable user base if men use real women instead of HD videos and high-quality massage oils like camphor and camellia for their autoerotic pleasure.

Still, Mr. McWhorter says he has enough signatures on his petition to put the issue to a vote at the next UN General Assembly in September. Seasoned observers say they expect CLAP to be a palpable presence in New York this fall.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at http://www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Bordeaux, France April 15th, 2012 (SHK)

French winegrowers say they are increasingly concerned about a rash of American wines that have come to market from new wineries in New Jersey to unexpected competition from the state of Texas, where disgraced and now unemployed Wall Street moguls have turned their attention to winemaking.

Regional American wineries say they have taken inspiration from Australia’s popular red wines and low-priced Sauvignon Blancs from New Zealand, which have competed successfully with the French for years.

The Whitehaven vineyard on the south island of New Zealand, for example, recently released a new Sauvignon Blanc “that combines the aromas and flavors of tropical fruit and fresh-cut grass with a rich, elegant palate and a crisp well-balanced finish that embodies the quintessential Marlborough style.”

Whitehaven took its Marlborough label from the small town of that name in the English county of Wiltshire on the old main road from London to Bath. Marlborough has only a few thousand inhabitants and hasn’t grown wine since the Romans occupied Little Britain 2,000 years ago.

But that hasn’t stopped the Kiwis from applying the vocational skills they learned generations ago as British convicts during the heydays of the Commonwealth.

The recent Marlborough release was followed by a new Cabernet Sauvignon from the Lone Star State “that combines the prickly essence of cactus with the gritty taste of lateritic dust that cleans your teeth by removing the remains of cow dung and rattlesnake venom that vultures circling the vineyards may have overlooked.”

Marketed under the distinctive label “Lawn Party Skunk,” it has achieved a remarkable following in those parts of Arizona and New Mexico that share Texas’ dry and dusty climate.

New Jersey has a new vineyard located near the state’s ubiquitous crude oil storage tanks and massive refineries not far from Elizabeth. They protect the fragile vines from strong winds that blow in from the Fresh Kills landfill on Staten Island across New York Harbor.

The Fuggedaboutit label just shipped a new 60% Cabernet/40% Merlot to select distributors along the East Coast. It combines the “mellow aftertaste of long-buried Mafia bodies in the nearby Bone Garden and hazmat toxic waste from Newark with a distinctive aroma of deep-cavern sulfuric natural gas to create an unforgettable palate and a finish that is to die for.”

When the Cosa Nostra family that created New Jersey’s winery for tax-compliance purposes submitted a taste-test survey, their first question was “You gotta problem widdat?”

For its part, Iowa out in the Midwest has a winery that is bringing to market a new Pinot Gris white wine derivative that “captures the essence of ethanol without that bitter aftertaste” which “artfully has the dual advantage of being able to refuel hybrids when no gas stations are within driving range.”

Sold under the Corn Porn label, its lower alcoholic content has made it a bestseller among college students across the country who are old enough to drink but still able to serve simultaneously as designated drivers.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Washington, DC April 8th, 2012 (SHK)

In late-breaking news, the Muslim Brotherhood announced in Cairo today that their bid to acquire the services of Gregg Williams has come to naught.

Williams, 54, is the former defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints who has been banned permanently from the NFL for the big-money bounty system that he designed “to hurt, injure, maim, cripple, and if possible knock out” players on every opposing team the Saints played.

“We were really disappointed not to get him,” said the Brotherhood’s presidential candidate Khayrat el-Shater. “It will be very hard to implement Islam’s holy law of Shari’a in Egypt without an enforcer of his caliber.”

The Muslim Brotherhood was outbid for Williams by the Republican Party, which offered him a substantial upfront signing bonus plus undisclosed additional compensation if he is successful in helping “defeat, indict or eliminate” Democrats in November.

“Not only do we have more money than the Democrats,” said the party chairman, Reince Priebus, “but we now possess the most powerful political weapon in this country since Willie Horton.”

Mitt Romney, the Republicans’ odds-on nominee, said “I look forward to working with Mr. Williams to create a hard-hitting campaign this fall that can win the White House back for all rich white Americans and restore the office of the President to its Constitutional origins as the Founding Fathers intended.”

Democrats protested the hiring and threatened to file a lawsuit against it in hopes of winning a cease-and-desist order from a friendly judge in Washington.

For his part, Williams was unapologetic and undeterred about his new job.

“The history of this great nation is built purely and simply on violence,” he said at a joint press conference with Republican leaders arranged by his agent, Jack (The Whack) Gambino of Brooklyn.

“Every single one of America’s greatest achievements like Manifest Destiny, the Transcontinental Railroad and the Civil War were made possible by violence. I am deeply honored to take this grand tradition from professional football to the historic arena of domestic politics.”
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Washington, DC March 29th, 2011 (HK)

José Rodriguez, a 27-year-old midtown-Manhattan messenger, was found to be ineligible for coverage under Obamacare, even though he is exposed to second-hand smoke for ten hours every day.

“This is clearly a pre-existing condition,” said Henry Willmette, 49, spokesman for Blue Cross/Blue Shield of New York. “You think any rational health insurance company’s going to cover this guy when they can’t get reimbursed by the Federal government? It’s a lose-lose proposition.”

For his part, Mr. Rodriguez claims that environmental hazards in the city are responsible for his condition.

“People can’t smoke indoors anywhere anymore,” he said, “so they got to do it outside now. New York air pollution today’s worse than ever. Just try walkin’ on sidewalks, you can’t breathe nothin’ but other people’s bad breath in a huge cloud of tobacco smoke.”

Second-hand smoke is the nation’s #2 cause of lung cancer, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta. The #1 cause of lung cancer is first-hand smoke.

Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, was evasive in her response to this pressing urban health issue.

“The guidelines under our Affordable Care Act are quite clear,” she said. “Second-hand smoke is classified as a pre-existing condition on page 1,875 because it’s been around as long as people have smoked.”

Mr. Rodriguez was asked recently why he didn’t just change jobs and put himself at less risk.

“Hell, where you gone find a job in this economy?” he said. “Besides, ‘less you move to Mumbai or Manila, this the only kinda job you can get with a GED degree.”

To make matters worse, the State of Virginia is a plaintiff at the Supreme Court, which is currently hearing arguments about the unconstitutionality of Obamacare. What’s more, Richmond has added several more conditions to the list as “pre-existing.”

“Including birth control,” Mr. Rodriguez quickly noted. “My girlfriend tried to read the Pope’s new book, Contraception, but it hadn’t done us any good. We got five kids to feed now.”

Demographic experts at the Census Bureau say this is one reason Hispanics will be the nation’s majority ethnic group by 2030 unless abstinence is somehow deleted from the list of pre-existing conditions by the Supreme Court’s forthcoming decision.

The Justices are widely expected to hand down their ruling in June.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

New York, NY March 26th, 2012 (SHK)

America’s national TV networks have, in the words of one critic, “spawned a new generation of sitcoms that feature idiotic characters” in an attempt to reach a wider viewing audience.

After Charlie Sheen’s recent off-screen drug-addled tempest, he was axed from “Two and a Half Men” and disappeared into rehab.

CBS has just announced a replacement show called “Two and a Quarter Transgender Lesbians” in a barely disguised effort to attract more mindless TV addicts known as Extended Adolescents.

Ashton Kucher stars as Sophie, an undersexed high school civics teacher sexually harassed by the school principal, played by Madonna, who wears cowboy boots and Levi’s with a pronounced bulge.
Tentatively titled “Fuck Off, Mr. Chips,” the half-hour sitcom has wowed test audiences who have responded well, CBS says. But the laugh track is apparently dominated by high-pitched catcalls, whoops and whistles.

ABC’s newest contribution to the school-based set is an MA-VP* sitcom laced with 4-letter words of scorn for the Obama Administration’s education reform policies. (*Mature Audience, Violence and Profanity.)

Called “Pink Slime,” it stars Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin as a pair of nutritionists who try to replace ammonia-treated ground beef with vegan substitutes on the school’s cafeteria line.
Each episode introduces the viewing audience to different food groups, dealing President Obama’s Department of Agriculture serious setbacks as it struggles to eliminate pink slime from plate lunches in the nation’s schools.

NBC is rumored to want Charlie Sheen back to debut in another new scumbag sitcom as yet untitled. “Charlie’s not running for president,” a network spokesperson said, “so he’s available to help us out here. There’s no denying the eyeballs he attracts.” Scumbags either.

Newt Minow was JFK’s choice to be chairman of the FCC. He made his famous speech in 1961.
“When television is bad, nothing is worse,” he said. “I invite you to sit down in front of your TV and stay there for a day without a book, a magazine, or a newspaper to distract you. Keep your eyes glued to the set until the station signs off. What you will observe is a vast wasteland.”

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at www.schlossstein.net/lampoons

Pueblo, CO March 17, 2012 (SHK)

Republicans and Democrats alike are now targeting Hispanic voters as their key to victory in the presidential campaign of 2012.

Latinos are alternately ‘worried’ or ‘doubtful’ about the nation’s economic recovery, giving candidates the signals they need to campaign aggressively for the Hispanic vote.

Ricardo Lopez, 54, is a case in point. “I voted for Bush in 2004,” he said. “But Obama got my vote in 2008. Friends say I am not consistent, but who in politics ever is?”

Señor Lopez runs a shuttle service in Pueblo with four part-time employees who have neither cradle-to-grave healthcare nor 401(k) retirement plans.

“Okay, fine. We shuttle rich gringos to liaisons with hookers at local motels,” Sr. Lopez said. “This has been a good business, insulated from the Great Recession. But after recent Congressional inquiries, it looks like las putas may lose their low-income tax credit since they work underground for cash. And their clients may no longer be able to claim a tax deduction por el orgasmo. Carramba!”

Political analysts say the reasons Hispanics are politically hot right now is due to demographics. In Colorado alone, Latinos account for 20% of the state’s population and one-third of all elementary school students – the “state canary” in the national mineshaft.

At current demographic growth rates, Hispanics are projected to account for more than 50% of Colorado’s total population by 2030. The state has already adopted Spanish as its second language.

But the shocking number is that Hispanic infants now represent half of all babies born in Colorado, so implications for the state’s political future are clear. Some say the “baby drop” program has been too successful.

“Americans don’t understand,” said Raymondo Alizondo, 48, a campaign organizer for Obama. “Latinos run the baby drops from desert points in Laredo and Tijuana. They buy used Hueys from the air force and fly to covert landing strips in Rocky Mountain passes with fresh babies every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. The NSA can’t track them because of the high peaks.”

They are illegal immigrants but legally adopted by Hispanics with official papers.

“Mr. Bush, he won our vote in 2004 by 2-1,” Sr. Lopez said. “Obama won by the same margin in 2008. We’ll vote for whoever in Washington will deliver the best tacos and tamales.”

Republicans are normally wary of getting too close to Latinos because they are overwhelmingly Catholic. But they see advantages in Hispanics’ aggressive humping-and-pumping program (HPP).

“Yo soy un amigo de los Hispanos,” declared Mitt Romney. “I am their friend. But they could go a lot farther if they were Latter Day Saints and become a bigamist like me. Mormons are okay with that!”
***
© 2012 Steve Schlossstein
Archives at http://www.schlossstein.net/lampoons